I had something deep on my heart, that I wanted to communicate with God about. And I was gonna try to write it down but I just couldn’t freely do that without escaping perfection. So I decided to record myself speaking and it just flowed out. 25 minutes of talking randomly in my room seems funny. But it was kinda like I was preaching to myself a message I needed to hear. Getting it out was healing and I thought I’d share my thoughts with y’all. I have run-on sentences and use the word “and” a lot haha but that’s the beauty of imperfection.
If my pain is what gives me purpose? What am I without it? meaningless. I’ve been struggling with myself feeling like life is purposeless if I’m not going through pain. I’ve spent so much time focusing on the meaning behind struggle and reflecting and meditating and soaking up and fighting through hard times, making it through cause I know God has a plan and a purpose for the hardship that I’m going through. But when there are better days that come where I’m not struggling as much, where I’m enjoying life, I suddenly feel off. I’m so used to being in constant pain, whether that’s chronic illness or mental health. I’m so used to being in pain that without it I’ve become scared. Scared of who I am without it, scared of what I’m doing here or what God is doing here in my life if I’m not going through something bad. Because the big center of my small little ministry, your pain has a purpose, it’s about that. About the difficulties of life and how we can learn that God has good for our bad and that the pain has a meaning in our life and that the pain will not last, that we will be healed one day, that our fears will be no more. That’s just been the message of my life for so long. And I just got so hit by realizing I’m okay, I’m good right now in this time period. And it doesn’t feel right, it feels like I should be in pain.
I feel like I need to have pain in order to have purpose. But that is so far from the truth. We long for better days but somehow something in me wishes for those bad days again. Because that’s when I felt God’s love and power the most. That’s when I felt the strongest and the most comfort and joy and peace. It was in those dark times that God brought light to me, that he brought His presence into my heart. And so I’m scared when there are days without that. Will I ever be able to feel God’s presence when I did when I once was in that bad place? Like what am I doing wrong? Am I not trying enough? Am I not listening hard enough for God’s voice? Am I just failing?
No one wants to be in pain. But somehow I’m more thankful for the pain then the easiness of life and the comfortability. Yeah comfortability is a huge thing for all of us. But it doesn’t lead us anywhere. It leaves us in a safe place, in our comfort zone. And it doesn’t bring more to life like Jesus does. More joy and peace and overwhelming love. Like we are on top of the world. Like nothing else matters in the world. Like it’s just me and God.
And I’ve just been learning that maybe God uses every part of us for His purpose. Not maybe. But God does use every part of us for His purpose and plan. It’s not just the pain that brings us purpose. Yes that can be a part, but it’s just one single part. There are so many other things about me and you that brings God the ability to use us, to use us for His glory. Whether it’s your personality, your background, your heart attitude, the things you love to do, the gifts you have, how you engage, where you are in life, the people you are around. There’s so many things that bring more to the story of His purpose. It’s not just the pain. He is going to use who you are, what you have and what you’ve been through. Your resilience, your character, the skills you have, the lens of the world you have. God chooses these parts of you and wants to use you for a beautiful purpose.
And so I’m learning to reset my mind on these thoughts. And reflect on the other parts of me that God uses and that God works through, apart of His purpose and plan. He uses who I am, the unique person that I am, every little things that makes me me, every detail that He knitted together in my mother’s womb. All me, He uses, and he loves every single part of it. He doesn’t neglect a part of who we are or a part of what we do.
It isn’t about what we go through or what we do that determines God’s love for us. It’s the simplicity of that God simply loves us just as we are. God simple loves us that He sent down His only son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. And he gave up His life for ours. And that’s the definition of love- Giving up your own life for the sake of someone else. We can make a million wrong decisions and turn away from God and hide and just be fearful, BUT nothing will stop God’s love for us. He loves us as we are His children. He calls us precious, He calls us loved, He calls us chosen and worthy. And it’s not just the pain that He uses for the purpose in your life, it’s every part that makes you you. He doesn’t use the simple fact of what you are doing, how you are feeling, or the pain you go through. Those things are not conditions that God has. That’s not what God is meaning behind the purpose.
I’ve been feeling and thinking that I am not in enough pain to show how strong I can be. That in comparison to others, I am weak and just not enough, not trying enough, not good enough, that it’s my fault. And I put this pressure on myself all in the midst of going through this hard difficult time. It doesn’t help to add on. It just puts so much against in my heart and makes it harder to find God in the midst of what I’m going through. And I can say it’s selfish or prideful for me to want to be stronger. Cause it is. And I accept that, I see that, I ask God for forgiveness for that.
Why do I wanna be stronger? I don’t know. Maybe feeling stronger makes me feel like I have a purpose. But in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, God says that in our weakness we are strong. We have strength in God. We are not supposed to be the strong ones. We are not supposed to seek out and fight hard and do everything on our own just to prove our strength and feel a purpose through that.
God is the one who fights for us. He is the one that needs to be strong. Because He is the one that can be all of that for us. We need to rely on Him, we need to rely on His strength. Because our weakness is power and if we really learn to trust that and accept that and lean on the Lord for strength instead of trying any way to find more strength for ourselves. Somehow that just makes everything a little better.
So when I’m in pain, I pray and hope that I remember that I am not enough. But God IS enough for me. And that’s all I need. I don’t have to follow others opinions or others ways. They may be building up their strength for personal gain but I choose to build up my strength through the power and love of Jesus Christ. It’s not the same and in this world it is extremely difficult to change the shift and the shape of what we’re doing. But God promises it’s possible. Everything is possible through Him. And if we allow ourselves to welcome in our weakness and allow God to give us strength, there’s so much beauty that can be found, there’s so much power that can come out of that.
I just want our hearts to be so centered around Christ, that we are not focused on our strength or being prideful of wanting more power or wanting approval and attention. I want us to be so in love with Christ that nothing else matters in this world, that our hearts are aligned with His will, that our minds are focused on Him instead of earthly things, that we are just all so consumed with His word and his mighty works. And that we want to grow closer to Him and be more like Him. And that’s one of the hardest things ever. And it will be a lifelong journey for me and for you to deal with this. It feels like an impossible road that never ends. And it’s not our job to make it perfect. it’s not our responsibility to feel the pressure of needing to do something or for God to use our purpose. it’s not our job to push ourselves too much that it causes us defeat and disappointment and anxiety and discouragement. We just have to try little by little. One step at a time, one day at a time, 10 seconds at a time. Whatever you can get through. One amount into another. God will help you move along on the right path. He will provide.
We are strong because of our weaknesses. So we should rejoice in our weaknesses. Instead of trying to gain strength in order to feel powerful in ourselves and like we are accomplished—we need to turn to God’s strength and lean on Him and let Him use our weakness and make it into strength because that’s where the most power is coming from. It’s coming from our Heavenly Father. He is the most powerful! He is in authority, He is so good and great and kind, and faithful—faithful all our days even when we’re not faithful. And praise the Lord for that because we would be no where without Him.
Our pain does have a purpose. And that will forever live in my heart and forever be the biggest things that God’s reached me. But I will also make it a just as important point that God uses every part of us for His purpose and glory. Pain is not just it, there’s so much more in us that God uses and loves. It’s not about what we do, or feel, or go through. It’s about our hearts and what we are desiring and what we really long for. And I hope and pray we long for God’s strength. And that we let go of our pride and hang on to His truth. That’s what’s most important.
For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?
- Esther 4:14
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Comments